I've started and then stopped this blog several times now. At first I wanted it to be a strictly personal journal, and since I sit in front of a computer most of the day, this seemed like a sensible way to track my life. Privacy seemed good, since I'm not at all proud of "Point A" in this project of building a well-ordered and graceful life. Yet, gradually and tentatively, I am concluding that I have something to say that other people might care about - that it might actually be helpful to someone somewhere to watch me learn how to build the life I want.
This is going to be the opposite of stunt blogging - as fun as that can be. There are bloggers whose focus and mission I find truly inspiring, like Beth Terry's efforts to reduce plastic in her life. Seriously, follow this woman: My Plastic-Free Life And the efforts documented at A Year of Slow Cooking have made eating better a possibility for me, even though I have no intention of using my crockpot every day. Thank you. And these philosophers (literally )at Fit is a Feminist Issue make it seem possible that I will reclaim my fitness, even when the messages around me are that I can't and perhaps even shouldn't.
But here's the thing. No one, not even these wonder-women, gets to live a single-focus life. I live alone. Well, I'm the only human in the household. There are three animals, but they seem not to dust or wash dishes very often. I have to make a living, but I also want a meaningful career. And I want to be a rock-star at it, thank you very much. I want to make a difference - and not just a little one. I want to restore this old home until it shines. I want beautiful gardens. I want a tidy and well-ordered home where people can gather at a moment's notice. I want to cook beautiful meals, eat gracefully (as in, not in my car, at the very least), and putter in my kitchen. I want a staggeringly fit body that can climb a 5.10 rock face, can bike long distances, swim modest distances, and can twist into interesting yoga positions. And I'll run and lift weights because I have to. I want a fun and well-trained dog, with whom I can go on long hikes and maybe even do some good. (He likes to let children read to him at the library, and is probably going to be a mentor dog at the youth prison. More on him later.) I want new and appropriate relationships with my adult children. I want to figure out this grandmothering-thing, because I can't seem to get a handle on how I want to do it. I want to be present for my friends, and just have fun. I want some great bucket-list-level experiences. I want to thrive financially - mostly because I don't want to worry, but also because it is one way society measures contribution. And, all those other "wants" have to be paid for. There's that, too.
It is also true that, in the proper ordering of things, I am a woman who ought to be closer to retirement than not. I am a woman who ought to be politely bowing out of the race. I am a woman who ought to want less. It feels unseemly to want it all. But after all these years, I am sick to death of being told to want less. I do want it all. It just turns out that it took me for-bloody-ever to have the courage to say so out loud. It seems to me that the explicit messages, sometimes from other feminists, that we can't have it all are just another way that women participate in their own oppression.
So, there it is. A middle-aged woman is going to set out on the mission to do what she ought to have done in her 20s. As I mentioned, Point A in this process is fairly grim on all fronts. And Point B will likely keep moving. I don't know if this can be done. Maybe I don't have time. Maybe I'm too far back in the pack. But we're going to find out. And, if I can thrive, wouldn't that just be a glorious thing? And possibly one way of giving other people hope?
I don't think that blog or book has been written, yet. So, here we go.
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