So, I have whined about being afraid, sung the "somebody done somebody wrong" song until my throat is hoarse and the audience is dead-bored, and fretted that my new life is hard and that I am unskilled. Even I am sick of this. There must be a better way - or a different bad way. Honestly, I'll take anything at this point.
I think we have agreed that everyone is afraid - that no one feels safe enough. Most people, I suppose, consider fear a necessary part of the success story they will be able to tell later. I wish I were like that. Some other people utterly defend themselves, wearing their protections like an exo-skeleton. That, I don't want even though I understand its temptation. What I am is a really good student; I like figuring out what people and the universe are trying to teach me.
So, insecurity, unwanted independence, trying and failing and trying again at home remodeling, struggling to manage all the things....these are my teachers now. Could it be that it's a little like weight lifting? I started (anyone starts) with really light weights. Honestly, I still lift really light weights, a lot of the time. But they are less light than they used to be. And recently, when I needed to pick up my 80-pound injured dog and carry him to the car, I could. And muscles get stronger through micro-tearing. You lift a weight almost to failure, there are teensy tears in that muscle as a result, and a day of rest means that the muscle has time to grow back stronger. And soon you can lift slightly heavier weight before experiencing failure. Strength required brokenness and time.
So, micro-tearing and rest. If we use this as metaphor, the tearing hasn't been so "micro" and I forget to rest altogether. But here's the bigger thing. I don't have to have this all figured out in order to start. Start now. Start where you are. Start with fear. Start with pain. Start with doubt. Start with hands shaking. Start with your voice trembling, but start. Start and don't stop. Start where you are, with what you have. But start.
