The Thing that Scares you

Do one thing every day that scares you. (1997) —Mary Schmich

This is undoubtedly good advice - when you lead a safe and comfortable life and the temptation is to relax into it.  Who leads that life??  I get it (as much as any over-educated white woman can) about privilege and how it protects me.  But no one, NO ONE, is protected from scary shit.

And right now, everything scares me.

This blog scares me, for heaven's sake.  Putting this content "out there" - sorting it all out in public- that's terrifying.  Letting people, even strangers, see me is a paralyzing thought.  I think it might have merit to have done this thing, but I wish it were already done.  The doing of it is exhausting.

I have to do my taxes today.  That scares me.

Watching people I love suffer is enough to bring me to my knees.  And when that's the task in front of you, you have to seem to be strong because other people need you more than you need to feel your feelings.

My house and how it works -or doesn't- scares me.

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Making professional changes scares me.  Staying put also scares me.  Feeling mutually exclusive things scares me.  Yes, this one is a bit of a mess.

 The thought of relocating for those professional changes scares me.  I don't know how to sell a house.  I barely know how to buy one.  And I don't even want to think of all the stuff that's in my attic - relics of a by-gone life that will fell me, I'm pretty sure.






 And the list goes on.  And my list is pretty tame, when you get right down to it.  Everyone has a list; if you're not afraid, you're not paying attention.  It's a wonder anyone gets up in the morning.

The thing I can not do - will not do- is sit around hoping for someone to rescue me.  Even if such a person were banging on the door, I would not let that happen.  I can't afford to turn over that much power; I have to rescue myself, or I haven't been rescued at all.



Here's what I'm learning to do when things get scary.  First, I must properly name the thing that's scaring me.  If you'll notice, I haven't correctly named a single one of the fears I mention above.  Properly named, it looks more like this:  I am afraid that I am inadequate.

I'm afraid I will reveal myself to be unworthy of the respect of people I respect.  I'm afraid I've made some financial blunder that will cause me to owe a bunch of money to the IRS, revealing myself to be inadequate for this task of adulting.  I'm afraid that I won't know what to say, or do, or be, to help my suffering family and friends.  Their pain makes me feel inadequate.  You get the idea.

And it all might be true, and really bad things might happen.  That is the nature of being the hero in my own story.  It's hard to be a hero when there's no risk, after all.

So, once I've named the thing I'm truly afraid of, I set out to prevent the worst from happening.  I take really small steps to prevent the catastrophic.  Tiny things.  Start the blog, and tell the truth, but make it only modestly public.  When that feels less terrifying, I'll take the next step.  Fill out the tax forms.  I have a month before I have to submit them, after all.   SMALL things.

The thing that could happen after I've done those small things isn't the worst thing, by definition.  It could still be awful, but it's not the worst possible thing.   And when I do make mistakes, on these topics and a thousand others, the question is simply how to keep that from happening again.  The dog turns the deadbolt and locks me out of the house without my keys?  Get a keypad lock on the door.  Always have a little cash in your wallet.  Always have gas in the car.  TINY things that make me feel slightly more competent.

There's plenty of scary stuff I can't control.  Loved ones can become ill.  Donald Trump might become President.  The polar bears are dying because of global warming.  I don't have to be encouraged to try scary things.  Scary, unspeakable things come at us all, from all sides.  In the meantime, I'll control what I can.