The currently-popular metaphor for cleaning is Marie Kondo's "the life-changing magic of tidying up." Ok, OK. Whatever. Once again, the metaphors don't speak to my experience. I'm sure her book is wonderful. (Actually, I read it, so I AM sure.) It's just not the book I need. I don't have too much stuff, so the ever-popular metaphor of de-cluttering isn't what I need, either. I know why I want to tidy up. I know how to tidy up, for heaven's sake. I just don't keep up with it all in the way that I would like.
On the one hand, maybe I don't need to over-think every darn thing. Just vacuum, already. There's merit to that argument, for sure. There's also the truth that I'm in the middle of a huge remodeling effort, a multi-year remodeling effort- so things are just going to be more chaotic than they might otherwise be. And it's not as though I am sitting around doing nothing; I am authentically busy with other important things when I am not cleaning. Yet, none of those truths adequately explains what's happening here.
This is the home of a person who has yet to make peace with her new circumstances.
Don't get me wrong. I'm not living in squalor, and I have made great strides in coming to terms with my new circumstances. But, apparently, I'm not done. This home is not yet the sanctuary I want it to be. It doesn't welcome me when I open the door. It doesn't say "here lives a person who takes care of herself and her loved ones.... come on in." No, it doesn't say that, at all.
It's also true that outward change reflects and sometimes precipitates internal change. Somehow I sense more emotional healing and change waiting for me in the wings and I sense that making my home a sanctuary - making it MY sanctuary- is the thing I have to do. And because this is my work, both internal and external, I have to do it myself. Hiring someone would be cheating the process.
So, now to boring practicalities. I have to find the minutes and hours to make this happen, to say nothing of the energy. Sigh.
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