Camel Pose - My Nemesis

That's what camel pose is supposed to look like.  Mine doesn't.  It never has.  Even years ago, when yoga was a constant and welcome presence in my life, I grumped about this pose.  My shoulders and upper body have never been the most flexible and open parts of my body, and that's all the thought I gave the matter.

Now, it's even worse.  My shoulders and upper body are like a rock. Did someone sneak into my house and pour concrete in there while I was sleeping??  My knees are so fragile and out of sorts, I don't even like getting this pose set up - before I even start to backbend.  So, when camel pose showed up at an allegedly-restorative yoga class, I sighed and rolled my eyes.  What's restorative about camel pose, for pity's sake?

It's also true that I tend to tune out the yoga homiletics/chatter that fill the air in a yoga class.  I love metaphor more than the average bear,  but "breathe into your big toe" can only take you so far.  Last night, though, something the teacher said got through my carefully erected barriers, through the pain and aggravation caused by attempting this posture at all. "Sometimes people fight with this posture, because you have to look back to release."  Technically, it's true.  You push your hips forward to make that straight line from your knees to your hips, even though the temptation is to lean back from the knees in order to reach your feet.  It's the pushing forward that makes the room you need to arch your back so beautifully.  Arching your back allows your focus to be behind you.  The reaching back to your feet needs the space made by that rear view.  So, the whole thing is counter-intuitive and an interesting -if annoying- puzzle.

But it's the metaphor that slammed me, last night.  I have to look back to release?  Oh crap.  What if that's true?  I have taken some pride in trying to end the looking back.  Surely I've done enough of that??  ( I know that there's more to explore there, but what would I get other than more lyrics to the "he done me wrong" song?)  I'm just sick and tired of hinging everything on past narratives.  Math-Rat doesn't get to be associated with anything I make of my life now.  He can't have this, too.  I really think I couldn't stand it. 

Here's the thing, though.  What if I've been stumped by camel pose for so long for reasons more subtle than stiff shoulders?  What if it might even work the other way 'round?  What if my stiff shoulders come from not looking back to release?  And, is there a way to do that, without giving away my personal agency - because that's essential.  I've said before that I don't want a hard shell of toughness and distrust to be how I encounter the world from here forward, even though I understand why people make that choice.  Intentional softening as a protection..... maybe there's something there to think about.  If nothing else, I might get camel pose for the first time in my life.