Body Vitality and Self-Awareness

Can I just say that I am uncomfortable with the current metaphors around both obesity and physical fitness?  First of all, we can dispense with the notion that those are mutually exclusive situations.  Moreover, I am equally uncomfortable with fat shaming and language suggesting that "throw up in a bucket"-level workouts are the only ones worth doing.  I don't know if this is some sort of pronouncement about how things ought to be -I'm not beyond pronouncement-making, right enough.  But I know there is something about my goals that is not captured in these extreme metaphors.

Here's the situation.  I'm 58 years old.  It's not the same as 28, but there's no particular reason to sign up for a walker just yet.  I've had a life of comparative privilege and good health; I like to believe that this will contribute to a long and healthy rest-of-life.  I used to be in kick-ass shape, so I know what that feels like.
But that is spectacularly not the situation we have now.  When the need to reclaim my life was urgent, I dropped working out from the schedule.  I needed those hours for finding food, and shelter, and sanity.  Yet, I continued -then and now- to claim that working out is important to me.  So, now I've gained 35 pounds and there are aches and pains that annoy me.  (Seriously, if people just accept these as the inevitable consequence of aging, I am living proof that that's not the case.  But I see how you can make the mistake.)  My clothes don't fit, and I don't like the way I look.  I'm trying to write these things without feeling shame.  I do also think that I made the best decision I could make at the time, with the resources I had.  But surely things are different now.  Right??!!!

I also think that metaphors and theoretical frameworks are important.  Our thinking shapes our decisions, after all.  This is one of those times when the past is the enemy of my future goals.  If I think that the only legitimate workout is a 50 mile bike ride (which used to be easy), then I won't workout for a really long time.  If I think certain yoga poses that used to be fun challenges and are now tormenting impossibilities are the only ones worth doing, then I won't do yoga either.  It's easy to complete this line of thinking with hiking, rock climbing, kayaking..... pretty much everything.  OK, there's something more I'm not articulating to you or to myself, here.  It's also true that back in the dark days of being married, family exercise and family vacations were centered around demonstrating that Math-Rat was supremely fit.  We would do some ridiculous activity -hiking the Appalachian Trail or caving- which was VERY HARD.  He would then define it to be no big deal.  The fact that we found it hard made us... less.  Less worthy.  Less fit.  Less of everything.  We never quite met his standards, and he made sure we knew it.  The fact that I never called the question and asked when the fun was going to start continues to shame me.  I also still struggle to believe that excellence is even something I should strive for.  Maybe I should be content with my less-than status. Embracing excellence without punishment isn't as easy as it sounds, when even the fitness industry conspires to have us believe that elite fitness is the only thing worth wanting.  But I have to walk my path.  I want to celebrate fitness rather than beating weakness out of me; the difference feels important.

So, the current situation is bad.  That's obvious.  What do I want the future to be?  I want to lose about 50 pounds.  I want to be a 5.9 climber - which is mid-level climbing; currently I'm at 5.easy (which is what they call the climbs that are too easy to bother rating).

I want to run 5K's regularly. I feel no urgency about or interest in marathons.  Regular 5Ks where I run the whole thing and finish reasonably or towards the top of my age-category could be fun. I want to have yoga as a daily part of my life again and to regain my flexibility and strength.  Yes, there are pinnacle postures that I want to re-gain.  We'll see.  I want to swim 3 or 4 miles a week every week for the rest of my life; right now I'm horrified to even put on a swimsuit.  But if I do, then I can stretch to a half-mile swim.  I want to take long slow bike rides on the weekends, and not worry about whether I am going fast enough or far enough to suit someone else.  And maybe throw in some dancing on the weekends just for fun.  And what happened to scuba diving and kayaking???  Where did those things go?

I want a body that reflects how I feel inside, that tells the truth about who I am.  And if my clothes fit better, I wouldn't complain.  

There are at least two problems with this newfound thinking.  I've still done nothing to figure out where planned, efficient, AND fun exercise goes in my days - and this is a non-trivial problem.  And I know that I do also have the tendency to let myself off the hook.  I give myself permission to go less far, work less hard because I've embraced the middle-way, don't you know, and that's morally superior.  Ok.  But a little bit of stretch now and again can be a good thing.  Holding myself accountable..... I'll need some help there.  So stand by for further musings on this topic.  There is still considerable work to be done.

But in the interest of abandoning all or nothing thinking, I am going to yoga class tonight.  I have my clothes.  I have my mat.  I blocked out the time.  It's not the 13 hours a week I think I need to get the whole thing done.  It's an hour and a half.  I can do that, surely.